“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free
I wasted so much time at the beginning of Oliana’s life wishing and praying that things would change.
I wished that we could find the right doctor for her. I wished that she had been born without a disability. I wished it was easier.
I prayed that God would let her have some vision and that nothing else was wrong with her. I prayed that she would not be significantly delayed.
I prayed that I could just accept her as she was.
One by one, as these wishes failed to come true and my prayers were left unanswered, I became angry.
I was angry at my friends and family for not understanding what I was going through. I was angry at the doctors for continuing to give me bad news. I was angry at God for thinking that I could handle this.
I was so angry at God.
What did I do to deserve this?
I felt like I was being punished.
Much later I realized that I was feeling sorry for myself. I was being selfish and turning Oliana’s disability around and making it about me.
The angrier I became, the more I began to detach myself. I started pushing everyone who cared about me away.
I would often think, why can’t they just understand how hard this is?
As we continued to receive disheartening news about Oliana’s condition, I spiraled deeper and deeper into a vortex of anger and despair.
The things I felt during those dark days are very hard for me to admit to now. I wanted to be okay with who she was back then. But the truth is, I just wasn’t.
I know that I am going to have a very hard time as my children grow older and want to read this. I never want them to look at me and think that I didn’t love Oli because I wanted to change her. These two things seem like they can’t co-exist but, in my life they did. I did want to change her. I also loved her. It just wasn’t easy.
As I continue to write this, the hardest questions of all are:
How will I read this to Oli?
Will she understand?
Will she forgive me?
I'm fine, but my Mommy has issues! 