Tag Archives: appearance

Real, Fake Eyes

19 Feb

“Never forget that anticipation is an important part of life. Work’s important, family’s important, but without excitement, you have nothing. You’re cheating yourself if you refuse to enjoy what’s coming.” ― Nicholas Sparks, Three Weeks With My Brother

A few days before Oli’s first birthday I woke up after only sleeping a few hours. The big day was finally here. The biggest day! She was getting her first pair of painted prosthetic eyes!

I could hardly contain my excitement. I couldn’t even imagine what she would look like. All of those feelings returned from when I was pregnant and would lie awake at night trying to picture her.

Before she was born I imagined her with big brown puppy dog eyes, long full lashes, and a sparkle that would melt everyone’s heart. Now I was imagining the same thing minus the long lashes and the sparkle. Little did I know how fantastically real, ocularist’s can make fake eyes. That sparkle was there, just painted on.

I rushed everyone through breakfast and we all piled in the car for the trip to L.A.

The drive seemed to take forever. Seth and I passed the time talking about what we each thought she would look like and what color we were going to choose.

“Brown. Or maybe blue. Kekoa has blue eyes. Or green like yours?” I couldn’t make up my mind.

“Blue. Kekoa and Thalia both have blue eyes and her little left eye looks like it is blue.” Seth makes the final decision.

“Blue it is.” I honestly really could have cared less by this point. All of those dreams of big brown eyes were receding from my mind and by the time she was 1 year old I just wanted her to have any kind of eyes. They could have been purple, red, or painted like cat eyes and I would have been absolutely thrilled.

Months and months of staring at blank eyes had made me realize how much I wanted to look at a pair of real looking ones. Although we had shed the ghastly pegs months ago, I was now anxious for the conformers to be painted.

I knew that I would love them, but I had no idea how much the prosthetics would change her whole face and appearance…

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Oli before she got her painted prosthetics.

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Where do you look when someone doesn’t have eyes?

8 Feb

“what you need and what you want aren’t the same things,”

― Cherise Sinclair, The Dom’s Dungeon

Three weeks after we took Oli to LA to get her first pair of conformers we took her back to get her second pair. She was very fortunate because her right eye (the empty socket) actually stretched a considerable amount. The ocularist was able to fit her with a conformer twice the size of the first one. Sometimes conformer therapy just doesn’t work and kids are never able to wear them.

“So. . .Mr. Haddad, when are you going to lose the awful pegs and put flat painted conformers in? Next month? A couple of months at most, right?” I am incredibly impatient.

“No. It will actually be 2-3 more months before I can put a flat conformer in that right eye. It’s just too small. I wouldn’t be able to get it in or out of her eye without that peg. And she will probably be close to her first birthday before we put painted ones in that look like real eyes.” He explains quietly.

“Oh. That long huh? I guess that’s okay.” I almost start crying.

I was screaming inside my head,

No. No. No! That’s is absolutely not okay. I want to look into her eyes! Fake or not. I should be able to look into her eyes!

Where do you look when you are speaking to someone if you can’t look into their eyes?

To me, eye contact was very important. It showed people that I was paying attention, interested in what they were saying, and respectful. I could gauge their feelings and reactions to what I was saying when I looked into their eyes.

I had to learn with Oli that I could still do all of these things with her, in a different way.

I learned the delicate map of her facial expressions. The raise of her eyebrows and the little bit of furrow between them when she was listening. Her toothless smile, scrunched up nose and the turn of her head when she was happy.

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Her tightly pursed lips turned down at the corners when she was sad.

I learned to look at her whole face and body language to gauge her reactions and feelings. I learned to read her without making eye contact, but with the complete confidence that I knew her emotions.

I learned that I really didn’t need to see her eyes to make a connection with her.

I learned all of this. . .but it never changed the fact that I wanted her to have eyes. Real eyes, fake eyes, glass eyes, plastic eyes. I didn’t care. I wanted her to have them.

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