What if she never speaks?

20 Jul

As I stood in the hallway, talking and listening to this Italian mother speak about her 14 year old, blind, autistic daughter Eliza, one thought kept racing relentlessly through my mind. I had one question that I needed to ask this mom about the daughter that looked, and acted so much like my own. I wanted a tiny glimpse into the future of this Italian world that seemed to mirror my own.

“Does your daughter speak now?” I asked her quietly, trying to hide the desperation from my voice.

“No. No she doesn’t.” She replied, quite clearly seeing the pain seep into my eyes.

In that moment, in those brief few seconds that passed between us, the reality of what we both were feeling, the dreams that we had for our girls, were spoken without any words from our lips. They were spoken between the souls of one heartbroken mother to another.

She knew that when she reveled that truth and her reality to me, that she was giving me an answer that I didn’t want to hear.

I didn’t want to hear it.

Do you know what I wanted to hear? Of course you do.

I wanted to hear that her daughter had learned to talk. I wanted to hear that after years of silence, 14 years of silence…that she could now talk about what was going through her mind.

I desperately wanted to hear that one day my daughter would learn how to talk to me.

But that wasn’t what had happened.

As she began telling me the story of her daughter’s communication struggles, I began to feel more and more uncomfortable. I began to feel more and more angry. I began to see more and more similarities between our children.

And I didn’t like what I heard.

Her daughter had also learned to talk when she was 2. She had also stopped when she was 3. She had started speaking again right about the age that Oli is now…

And then she stopped.

She just simply quit speaking.

One day it was there, and the next day it just wasn’t.

Poof.

BOOM!

There it was.

One of my biggest fears had once again been dropped at my feet.

When Oli began speaking again a few months ago I couldn’t believe it. After 3 long years of complete silence I couldn’t believe my ears when she started to say a few words again. With every new word she spoke the fear of what she wouldn’t say the next day crept in the back of my mind. The questions of “What if she doesn’t talk today?” came with each morning sunrise. The fear of “Will today be the last day that I hear her speak?” came with each nightfall.

And here stood this mother telling me that all of my fears that I so successfully banished to the back of mind, might one day come true.

What now? What do I do with this information?

After a few days of living within that fear and those terrible alternate realities that my mind likes to create; the ones where everything goes wrong and I am helpless again struggling against a monster that I could never hope to defeat, I realized that I was projecting a future upon Oli that I have no control over. I was sentencing her to a life of silence without any knowledge or proof that this is what would happen. I was letting myself believe once again in a hopeless situation that has absolutely no reason to be hopeless.

Oli is not Eliza. Oli is Oli.

What she will or won’t do has nothing to do with what another child has or has not done. Even though that other child is so similar to her. She still is an individual. One capable of fulfilling any potential, achieving any goal and overcoming any obstacle that lies before her.

Oli is Oli.

I have said it before, she will do what she will do regardless of how much time I spend worrying about it. Regardless of how much time I spend crying over it.

So I took my own advice.

I spoke the words to myself that I have spoken to other parents about their children.

As her mother, one of my most important jobs is to never stop believing in her.

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