A letter to someone I love

8 Apr

Dear friend,

I have known you for what seems like forever. We grew up together, raced cars across my kitchen floor, played in my dads’ old flat-bottomed boat parked alongside my house and rode our bikes far past the mail boxes where we were forbidden to go. You watched me dance and swim. I watched you wrestle and play T-ball. You watched me struggle through my first back surgery in middle school and saw me cry when kids made fun of me. I watched you struggle through elementary school and saw you cry when kids made fun of you because you were just so incredibly smart and misunderstood. You watched me drive away to college and I watched your face dip in the sunlight. I saw your loneliness play shadows across your face as you watched your closest friend and constant ally drive off.

After that afternoon, things changed didn’t they? I was no longer there to protect you and you were no longer there to comfort me. We had been separated by miles and miles of fields and desert. I made new friends. I didn’t call you. I never forgot about you, but I forgot how much you were like me. I forgot how much we needed each other. I forgot about our summer walks and our midnight secretes when I came home to visit. I forgot to call you when the summer ended and I forgot to continue our friendship during the long winter months.

How could I forget?

Things got hard for you at home. Your parents divorced and you got lost in the shuffle. You were left to fend for yourself and grew up too quickly. You didn’t have me there to try to console you or set an example on how to cope with such a loss and a change. You didn’t have me there to try to help you.

I just wasn’t there was I?

You moved out on your own at 16 years old. You started drinking and making bad decisions. You got into trouble. You didn’t know how to live life yet. You were just a kid. I was an adult by that time. I should have been there to help lead you through the maze and the mess that had sprung up around you. I should have called. I should have told you that no matter how far away I was, I was always there for you. I thought you knew, but I should have told you.

I should have…

Still more years pass and things get even worse for you. I get late night drunk calls where you don’t know where you are and don’t know how you got there. You get beat up multiple times and wreck your cars. You are spiraling out of control. I want to help, but I don’t know how? I want to save you, but it begins to feel like you are beyond saving. Or maybe I just don’t want to deal with you anymore. Maybe I think that you are old enough now and should know better.

I was heartless wasn’t I?

Because the truth is…no one is beyond saving. No one deserves to just have people turn their backs on them. You didn’t deserve that, but that’s what I did.

And now things are better. You don’t drink as much, but you still drink too much. Now you don’t get into trouble, but you sit at home. Alone. You sit in your apartment with your loneliness and I sit in mine with my guilt. We don’t talk about it much do we? We don’t talk about those common traits that run through our veins.

I now find myself in a position to want to help you again. I want to help you, but you’re not that young kid anymore. You’re a man. A man who doesn’t really want to be helped. I have to respect that.

But here’s what I want to tell you if I could, or rather, what I will tell you when the time is right. I’m writing it now because I don’t want to overstep my bounds and you may or may not read this post. I hope that you do read it though. And if you do…well…we can talk about it. Or, if you don’t want to, you can just pretend like you never read it.

I have to say something because I hear too many stories of people saying nothing and then regretting it later when the unimaginable happens.

Life can be better friend. Life can be so much better.

You deserve the best. You deserve to be happy. You are an amazing person. One of the best and brightest that I have ever known. You don’t have to sit in your loneliness anymore. You don’t have to sit in unhappiness. There is a life waiting for you out there that you’ve never even imagined. You are a good person. You are a person capable of loving and being loved. You mean the world to me and I don’t want to spend another minute sitting in guilt over this and wondering what I should have done. I have done that enough.

I have been there. I have felt those feelings and wondered where the bottom was. After Oli was born I thought that I would never smile, laugh, or love the same again. But, I did. I did. And so can you. It just takes looking at everything from a different perspective. It takes not always trusting what goes on in your head as the truth. Sometimes our own minds are our biggest deceivers. Our biggest enemy lies inside us. It doesn’t have to stay that way. You can change it. But you must be willing to step outside what feels comfortable. You must be willing to do something different. It’s not always fun at first, but I promise you. It is worth it.

I love you.

You are worth it.

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13 Responses to “A letter to someone I love”

  1. donofalltrades April 8, 2013 at 4:26 pm #

    Print it and send it to him!! He wants to hear this!

    • mommyhasissues April 8, 2013 at 9:16 pm #

      I know. I just don’t want to over step my bounds. I will give it to him or read it to him some day soon. Thank you. I think he needs to hear it too.

  2. 1tric April 8, 2013 at 6:17 pm #

    Well written. Great post!

  3. Anonymous April 9, 2013 at 1:56 am #

    Hugs…I hope he reads it and talks with you. Or to someone. He’s a great guy and I have wished the same for him myself.

    • mommyhasissues April 9, 2013 at 2:16 am #

      Thanks. I’m going to give it to him. I just love him and want him to be happy. That’s all. He deserves to be happy.

  4. My Dance in the Rain April 12, 2013 at 4:06 pm #

    I agree send it to him! It’s never too late, never forget that. It only takes one moment to change a persons life, what do you have to lose?

  5. Anonymous April 15, 2013 at 7:57 pm #

    Just plain true…. I think we have all done this or had it happen….. thank u for sharing…..

  6. Pamela Lowry April 16, 2013 at 7:06 pm #

    I would love to know how you got on, did you post it ? Did you get a response ? You inspired me to write a letter to someone I love you turned their back on me. They were scared and damaged and I never appreciated that. I guess we can only hope that one day these people accept that not everyone is out to hurt others. Good Luck !

    • mommyhasissues April 16, 2013 at 9:32 pm #

      Yes. He read it and he appreciated all that I had to say. Good Luck to you.

      • Pamela Lowry April 17, 2013 at 9:37 am #

        Yay ! I’m so pleased that you had such a positive response to your letter. I posted mine, I hope it was read and that one day the words it contained and the love with which it was written will be met with the same response. I guess people have to be open to being loved before they can heal xx

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