Okay guys. I couldn’t help myself. I HAD to write a post about my need for a celibate sister wife. ( I have been posting on my facebook page about this.)Notice I used the word celibate. Yes. I’m not into any of that open marriage, freaky, kinky, sex stuff. I don’t like to share ANYTHING. So I can only assume that I would not like to share my husband. However, I would like to share my kids, house, cooking, doctor appointments, therapy appointments, driving and all other mommy duties with someone else. As long as I remained THE BOSS. Yep. You heard me. I am the boss of my little corporation that I run here.
You want doughnuts for breakfast? You better run it by mommy. Ask her what she wants.
You want to wear shorts to the park? You better ask mommy if she’s cold.
You need to go potty? Go tell your mother.
The tooth fairy forgot you last night? Go tell your mom. She has her on speed dial and takes care of all complaints.
Even when they don’t know that I am in charge, I am in charge.
Like when my husband wants to grow a beard. He doesn’t ask me if he can grow a beard. Of course not. He’s a grown man. He can do as he pleases.
But, my kisses become less frequent. I pull away and scratch my face after a kiss and he says, “Oh. Does my beard bother you? Is it too itchy for you?”
“Yes. Kind of.” I answer sweetly. The truth is, although it is itchy, it’s more that I just don’t like it. So, he shaves it off. See. I’m the boss without him even knowing it. (This will be the post that I don’t tell him I wrote;)
So…I need a sister wife. All of this bossiness is tiring. I need a break. At least a lunch break.
Everyone says, “Well you just need a mommy helper.”
What in the hell is that? That sounds like it would be someone I would have to pay. I don’t have the luxury of paying someone. That’s why I need to convince someone to marry us. Or marry him. Or however that works?
I need someone to be me for free. But I need to omit the whole sex, love thing. Because as I stated above that would be weird. But I need someone who does everything else. Basically I need someone to invent and legalize human cloning. Then she could do it all! I think I have a better chance of getting a sister wife than I do getting a mommy clone, so we’ll go in that direction first.
Let’s just pretend for a minute that that kind of person actually existed. Let’s pretend that I could convince someone to volunteer for this position. This is what the job would entail. Oh, wait. Let’s not call it a job. Because that would be false advertising. I have no intention of paying anyone. I don’t get paid. Why should they?
Hey you. Are you interested in being my sister wife? Have I got a life for you! You would get to take care of 3 beautiful children and a very handsome husband. But, don’t get any ideas. You’re not here for that. You must be willing to give up all interest in sexual relationships and love. Don’t look at me either.
Volunteer position available. Be a sister wife to a nice, funny, sparkly, exhausted mommy.
Description of duties that you would be responsible for:
1. You would be responsible for all butt wiping duties. All poopy diaper changes. All potty responsibilities would fall to you. I’ll give you a little advice. Don’t be in the shower when needing to wipe the 3 year old, Ginger. She hates that. You must be dry and make sure that you are also clothed. Oh, and the 5 year old,Oli likes to be touching someone when she goes potty. You have to sit in the bathroom next to her when she goes. If you don’t she will get off the potty and play in it and then find the sink and turn on the water and go nuts. The entire bathroom will be soaked in under 30 seconds. If that happens don’t look at me. I told you. Also, you can’t sit in there with Ginger. She will tell you to get out. You can’t even look at her if she’s pooping. Unless she’s peeing. Then you have to stay in there. Stay out of there with the boy,Kekoa. This is for the safety of your own nose. Unless he hollers that he needs help wiping. Which he does sometimes. If you choose to save your nose and not go in there you are responsible for the subsequent skid marks and remedying the ensuing butt itchiness. Complicated isn’t it. You should take notes.
2. You would be responsible for cutting all crusts off sandwiches, washing all fruit, peeling all oranges and apples, opening all Gogurts, applesauce’s, and juice boxes. And DON’T leave those little straw wrappers or Gogurt ends lying around the house for them to stick to me later. This will end in immediate divorce.
3. You would be responsible for watching Nintendo DS games and show enthusiasm when the boy says he did something amazing on his game. You must be interested and never allow him to catch your eyes drifting away from the screen after watching 10 minutes of him crashing a car into a side rail. This makes him question your love and pouting will ensue.
4. You must find 7 year old boy made up jokes funny and laugh hysterically when he makes you say the word “underwear”. He thinks he is so funny and if you don’t laugh he will also question your love. Basically be very careful around the boy because he is sensitive.
5. You would be responsible for attending all tea parties that the 3 year old throws. You must dress her up in 5 different princess outfits and wait patiently while she decides which one looks most beautiful on her and then help her to choose a pair of shoes. And don’t suggest that you put one on too because she doesn’t like anyone else to steal her thunder.
6. You would be responsible for cooking all dinners. They must be gluten free. Good luck with that. You must not be worried when the boy says things like he might die if he has to eat gluten free again and that gluten free food is killing him. He won’t die. I promise. If my cooking has not caused a serious illness or death yet, yours certainly won’t either. You are also responsible for packing all school lunches. Talk to the boy first. The boy is picky. You can’t put graham crackers, or chips, or anything else not approved by the school lunch lady who is responsible for handing out Go-Food tickets during lunch time. If you pack non-approved food items he will blame you and say that you are ruining his life. If he doesn’t get a Go-Food ticket at lunch that day it WILL be your fault. The boy will tell you this repeatedly.
7. You would be responsible for ALL bedtime routines. Basically, when that clock strikes 7:30 consider me out. I can’t help you sister. Good luck taking Ginger back to bed 10,000 times. Think of it like stair climbing exercises. See! No need to join a gym. Bedtime will give you quads of steel! Also, you can develop upper arm strength while you wrestle Oli every night. She either doesn’t understand the words “Time for bed.” and “Go to sleep.” Or she has selective hearing like the rest of my children. You should work on that. Teach her to go upstairs, lie in her bed, and not flail around like a fish out of water.
8. You would be responsible for all toothpaste mishaps. You must be an expert in getting it off the walls, ceilings, floors, sinks, towels, and clothing. This responsibility is daily. If you can come up with a way to get the kids to keep the toothpaste inside their mouths and only on their toothbrushes…you, my friend, are a genius! If you can do that I WILL pay you.
9. Laundry. Duh. Laundry. You would be responsible for that. You must organize the children’s drawers daily and the shirts and pants must face the same direction. You would also be responsible for cleaning up the husbands closet every day. Good luck! It looks like an explosion of pants, shirts, shorts, and coats took place. We are engaging in closet war fare here. Be prepared!
10. Your final responsibility would be getting Oli ready in the morning. You must wake her up and get her off to school. I will warn you, sometimes you may need personal safety equipment. I suggest goggles and make sure your hair is in a ponytail. If not she will let you know that she is not happy about this morning waking up obligation by yanking your hair and clawing at your face. Don’t waste your time with niceties and warm words. Get that girl on the potty, provide her with milk and then back away. You better have her breakfast ready too. If not…well, just don’t EVER let that happen. You may not survive.
I reserve all rights to divorce without reason. If I feel like my children love you more or I miss out on the tiniest moment because you are there and I am not, watch out lady! I’m the only mommy who gets to love them, kiss them, cuddle them, make them feel better, attend all of their school functions, and all of the other great parts about being a mommy. Basically, you are just there to do the dirty work. Hey. At least I’m up front and honest about it!
See! I can make this sister wife deal work! Although, I’m not sure who would volunteer for this?