Archive | 9:47 pm

Airing Out My Bitchies

16 Feb

Today I am tired of trying to be upbeat and optimistic. Although I usually am (or at least try to pretend to be) most days because it just feels better, today I am not. Today I am gloomy Mcgloomster and I don’t want to pretend or try. I was going to FB about it, but then I thought “Shit. Isn’t this what the blog is for? Letting my bitchiness all hang out.”

I think my morning started off badly when my demon child, lovely 2yr old daughter, woke me up at 5:45am by jumping on my head screeching at volume 1,000 “MOOOOMMY! I’M DONE SLEEEEEPIIIINNNGGG!”

I will now need to add search for hearing aids on my list of To Do’s today.

After begging, pleading, bargaining, yelling, and cursing at her to please go back to bed until at least 6:45, I pouted and reluctantly stomped down stairs. She didn’t hear any of my pleas because apparently when she realized mommy was in a bad mood she high-tailed it to her happy place. I found her sitting in her favorite spot. Inside the TV. Girlfriend could not possible sit any closer to the thing if she tried.

After turning on Mickey Mouse (good thing that crap comes on early) I made coffee and proceeded to drink somewhere between 3 and 10 cups. I lost track after my 3rd trip to the bathroom. It’s my own fault for staying up so late. I seem to have developed an unhealthy obsession with shows about the paranormal. Apparently I am not the only one because every month Syfy, the Travel Channel, Bio, and every other channel on cable has added a new ghost show to their repertoire. Last night it was Ghost Adventures and The Dead Files.

This stuff is serious….and I am fascinated. It drives my husband bonkers. Sorry honey. It’s a hobby? Of course I can’t watch anything during the day so I am forced to stay up late into the night scaring the crap out of myself. See Ginger? The reason mommy is in a bad mood is because you force me to watch ghost shows at night.

After spending some quality time on Facebook I decided that I needed to get out of the house. Air out my bitchies. My mom came over and we took the three kids to the park. It was good and I felt better. Oli had fun driving her little swivel car. Ginger and Koa ran around screaming and throwing sand. I decided to take Oli down the slide. It sounded like a good idea until I turned around and discovered two other children had also decided to go down the slide.

My immediate thought was “Children, please don’t say anything stupid to me about Oli because I’m just not in the mood for lovely flower and cupcake responses.” Kids are always asking questions about Oli. Usually they are just curious. Sometimes they’re mean, but that doesn’t happen very often. Today, I just didn’t want to deal with it. I can’t remember the last time I went to the park with Oli and someone didn’t ask questions about her.

Why doesn’t she talk? Why doesn’t she walk? What’s wrong with her eyes? Is she a baby?

Normally I just tell them that God made her different and that she is blind. I’m nice and friendly. Honestly I would much rather have them ask me questions than just stare at her. Today I was just tired. I just wanted to be able to have fun at the park with her with other kids around and not have to answer questions.

So when the little girl came up to me and asked why she doesn’t talk I just responded “She just can’t.” I did smile, but then turned my back and walked away with Oli.

I feel bad. I really do. But, today I just couldn’t do it.

Today I am tired. And today I am tired of the questions and stares.

Please Don’t Let Her Arm Fall Off

16 Feb

“Sometimes beautiful things come into our lives out of nowhere. We can’t always understand them, but we have to trust in them. I know you want to question everything, but sometimes it pays to just have a little faith.”
― Lauren Kate, Torment

Fortunately because my two small children were in the car with us that cold day in January it ensured that my husband’s enthusiasm for an adventure took a back seat. We made it to Oli’s surgery appointment unscathed, unstuck and virtually un-traumatized.

It was scary riding with a driver who was unfamiliar driving in the snow on gravel roads in the middle of the desert, but Seth was cautious. We got to the hospital 2 hours late to her appointment. I had gotten a hold of the surgeon when we realized that we were going to be late and she told us to go ahead and come whenever we could.

They prepped Oli for surgery and the nurses whisked my baby girl off to the operating room shortly afterwards. We were assured that Oli was in good hands and were sent to the waiting room.

I had never been the parent of a patient before Oli was born. One time I had to take Kekoa to the ER when he was 4 months old because of a high fever. We were only there long enough to make sure he didn’t have an infection and then left.

This was nothing like that.

I knew they were going to be cutting into my baby, however minor the operation was.

THEY WERE GOING TO CUT INTO MY BABY!!!

I had been involved in lots of surgeries with babies before Oli, but none was my child. My heart went out to all of the parents who had sat in those little plastic chairs before me.The parents that I myself, had sent to the waiting room when I was the nurse on duty the day of their child’s surgery. Many times I spoke the exact same words spoken to me that morning, “She’s in good hands. Everything will be fine.”

Of course there are no guarantees. I knew that. I was terrified.

The few hours it took to perform the operation and get Oli into the recovery area were some of the longest hours of my life. Oli has had a few other surgeries since then and it never gets any easier.

Remember I am a worst-case-scenario girl.

I worry about everything from a complete power failure when my girl is still on the ventilator and unconscious down to worrying that the nurse didn’t properly swab her IV port before injecting medication into it and subsequently she gets a terrible bacterial infection and her arm falls off.

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It’s awful!

Luckily none of those things has ever happened.

I want to trust people taking care of Oli. I really do. Most of me has to or else I would drive myself crazy, but this is my baby girl. I can’t trust them completely. I don’t think any mother ever does.

Moms worry about our children the moment we realize we are having them. It’s not any more difficult, I don’t think, when you have a child with special needs. We are just given more opportunities to worry. And we are given more opportunities to trust people and have a little faith in them. Sometimes they let you down, but most of the time they don’t.

Most of the time my imagination is far worse than reality.

Good thing!! Otherwise my girl would defiantly be missing a few limbs by now.

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