Archive | 8:07 pm

A Chance To Go Back In Time

15 Feb

I wonder if they will ever invent a way to travel back in time? If they do, there are a few moments that I wish to revisit and appreciate a little more.

I would like to go back to my wedding day. Not so much to just relive that moment, although it was wonderful, but more to go back and see my grandmother again. I was such a bitch that weekend. It was all about me and I didn’t spend enough time with her. She flew all the way from Iowa to Hawaii to see her first granddaughter get married even though she was dying. I wish I could go back and realize how short her time here really was. I thought, Oh I’ll see her again in a few months. I don’t need to go check on her in her room or have dinner with her tonight….Selfishly I let these moments slip by.

She died a few weeks after my wedding.

I would like to go back to the days when Oli was a baby. I cannot believe I actually just said that! I used to say you couldn’t pay me a million dollars to return to those days. But here I am saying it.

I have come to realize that something happened or changed in Oli after she turned one. She seemed normal as a baby. No head shaking, no flapping, she babbled and was interested in other people. Other than her blindness, she was typical. I was so distraught and terrified that I didn’t appreciate that she was okay. She was okay back then. She’s okay now, but it’s different.

I just watched a video of her yesterday from when she was about 6 months old. She was playing in her bouncy seat. I almost couldn’t watch it. I had an inexplicable urge to reach through the TV and scoop her up and transport her to now. Avoiding whatever it may have been that caused her autism. Whatever connection that she lost or was broken between then and now.
My family will mention to me lots of times that they just don’t understand why she stopped talking and why she started shaking her head, flapping her arms, and having extreme meltdowns. They will say things like “Remember when Oli said _____?” And then look at me like I can somehow offer them a reasonable explanation for the change in my child.

I can only look back at them with my own expression of bewilderment and shake my head. I don’t know why, but I do remember those days. Some of those memories are starting to fade. Much like when my grandmother died. I have a harder and harder time recalling her face and voice as the years pass. Seeing a picture of her brings it flooding back. Watching that video of Oli yesterday did just that.

Yes, now I remember when she said mamma, milk, juice, out…. I remember when I used to do something to make her giggle and could snap a picture of her and it didn’t just show a blur of movement. I remember when she used to try and hold a spoon and feed herself, when I could keep her engaged and she showed interest in things outside her body….. I do remember all of those things. Even when sometimes I don’t want to because it’s just too painful.

I hope they invent a time machine some day because I would also love to go back and knock some sense into my head. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself and pay attention to all that your daughter can do. Because some of those things will fade away…”

Advertisements

An Adventure With Seth

15 Feb

imagesCA588LI2

The morning of Oli’s fundoplication surgery (reflux surgery) I awoke in the darkness. I turn over and glance at the clock.

Uggghhh…4am. We had to be at the hospital by 6:30 and it was an hour drive. I shook Seth awake and then got into the shower. A few minutes after I got in Seth knocked on the door.

“You’re not going to believe this Shannon. There was a snow storm last night.”

“What?” Snow in Las Vegas. Sounds like no big deal right? The first time I saw flurries in the desert I laughed that they would even have the nerve to call the slightly thicker rain drops “snow”. That wasn’t snow. These people had never been to Iowa. I had about the same amount of trust in my husband and his knowledge of snow as I had in the people of Las Vegas. He was from Hawaii.

I knew that it was probably just cold and raining. At most it might look like snow falling from the sky, but would melt once it hit the ground. We were in no danger of missing my daughter’s surgery appointment. I forgot that in order to get to the appointment we had to drive over the “pass”.

Pahrump sat higher than Las Vegas and in order to get there we had to drive over a mountain at 9,700 feet elevation called the pass.

As we left the house I wondered if we really were going to make it. Snow was actually sticking to the ground. I had heard when we moved to Pahrump that the pass occasionally closed when it snowed up there, but that it only happened maybe once a year. Surely it wouldn’t be closed the one day that we absolutely had to get to Vegas. Surely our luck wasn’t that bad.

It was.

As soon as we reached the base of the mountain I could see police lights directing people to turn around and go back.

I looked over at Seth who was driving. “What now? It’s going to take a month at least, to get another surgery appointment.”

“We’re going. I will get her to this appointment.” He says with determination and a look of excitement in his eyes.

Oh no. I’ve seen that look before. That look that comes from a man who loves off-roading and driving through the back desert.

“Are you serious? The gravel roads are going to be bad. I think we should just call and cancel.”

“Nope. Don’t worry. I’ll get us there. No problem.”

I am very worried.

Seth likes a good adventure and his adventures usually end up with us being stuck somewhere. I have been on many of these “adventures” with him. I have been stuck in the desert overnight, in the mud, with nothing to drink but cheap beer and coyotes circling us looking at my little dog like a quick and easy meal. I have been stuck 5 miles from the lake, with a flat tire and no jack, no one around for miles, for hours in 110 degree heat, with nothing to drink but cheap beer. Don’t worry. We always had beer.

These are just a few examples. Others include motorcycle trips in freezing weather and extreme heat when I have been totally convinced I was going to die.

I know Seth’s idea of an adventure.

This could end badly.

thecrumbdiaries

Logan is challenged but not limited, and he is living his life like a boss. I am just lucky enough to be along for the ride.

Mommy Got Her Groove Back

How a new mom, and wife does parenting and daily life.

Lessons from my daughter

Although all doctors agreed she would do nothing.....

I'm fine, but my Mommy has issues!

Raising a daughter with special needs.

Living on the Spectrum: The Connor Chronicles

Our family's adventures in the world of ADHD and Autism.

Parenting And Stuff

Not a "how to be a great parent" blog

don of all trades

Master of none...

The Third Glance

A peek into my (Autistic) mind

One Stitch At A Time

Making my way back in time.

Disability Watchdog

Exposing Injustices for Vulnerable People

My thoughts on a page.

Living, Laughing, Loving, Loathing.

It is Well...with my Soul

Sure, my hands are full. So is my HEART!

Chopping Potatoes

And other metaphors for motherhood

This is the Corner We Pee In

Bulletins from the Parenting Trenches...

clotildajamcracker

The wacky stories of a crazy lady.

This is the place

visiting places where writers were born, lived, loved & are buried.

motherslittlesteps.co.uk/

Motherhood and Country-Coastal Living

My Dance in the Rain

The journey of my life, my path to redefine myself and a special little girl with Cri du Chat Syndrome and Primary Ciliary Dyskenisia who changed it all.

Prego and the Loon

Pregnant and Dealing With Domestic Violence

%d bloggers like this: