Will she forgive me?

30 Jan

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”

― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

I wasted so much time at the beginning of Oliana’s life wishing and praying that things would change.

I wished that we could find the right doctor for her. I wished that she had been born without a disability. I wished it was easier.

I prayed that God would let her have some vision and that nothing else was wrong with her. I prayed that she would not be significantly delayed.

I prayed that I could just accept her as she was.

One by one, as these wishes failed to come true and my prayers were left unanswered, I became angry.
I was angry at my friends and family for not understanding what I was going through. I was angry at the doctors for continuing to give me bad news. I was angry at God for thinking that I could handle this.

I was so angry at God.

What did I do to deserve this?

I felt like I was being punished.

Much later I realized that I was feeling sorry for myself. I was being selfish and turning Oliana’s disability around and making it about me.

The angrier I became, the more I began to detach myself. I started pushing everyone who cared about me away.

I would often think, why can’t they just understand how hard this is?

As we continued to receive disheartening news about Oliana’s condition, I spiraled deeper and deeper into a vortex of anger and despair.

The things I felt during those dark days are very hard for me to admit to now. I wanted to be okay with who she was back then. But the truth is, I just wasn’t.

I know that I am going to have a very hard time as my children grow older and want to read this. I never want them to look at me and think that I didn’t love Oli because I wanted to change her. These two things seem like they can’t co-exist but, in my life they did. I did want to change her. I also loved her. It just wasn’t easy.

As I continue to write this, the hardest questions of all are:

How will I read this to Oli?

Will she understand?

Will she forgive me?

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4 Responses to “Will she forgive me?”

  1. rebecca2000 January 30, 2013 at 5:25 pm #

    Of course. It isn’t that you didn’t accept her as she is, it is that you wanted her to have an easy life. If they see it, they will know that comes from love.

    • sweetoliana January 30, 2013 at 8:07 pm #

      Thank you Becca:) I think she will understand. I just want her to know that it wasn’t ever that I didn’t love her. I just had a hard time.

  2. Life's Unexpected Blessings February 6, 2013 at 1:57 pm #

    It isn’t about her forgiving you it’s about you forgiving yourself. What you have experienced is natural, ALOT of us do. Your life is turned upside down in an instant and you try but it seems impossible to find the light. I doubted my ability to be a mother to a child with special needs, I was angry at God and even have my moments with him but I am learning to forgive myself for those feelings. The unconditional love and support we give our children is all that matters to them you keep doing that and she will only continue to strive and you will find it easier to forgive yourself.

    • mommyhasissues February 6, 2013 at 8:11 pm #

      I think I finally have. It just took me a very long time.

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