Archive | 8:11 pm

My booger awards.

30 Jan

“Sometimes crying or laughing are the only options left, and laughing feels better right now.”

― Veronica Roth, Divergent

So since I’ve recently been entered into the top 25 blog contestant on Circle of Moms (for my other blog. I am in the process of transferring all of the content from there to here.) I have been reading some of the top blogs. Seriously, there is a reason why the number one blog on there has like 8 million votes. It is hilarious!! I have absolutely no chance when it comes to these women and their humor.

But, I still really appreciate everyone who has voted for me. Keep voting!!! You never know, I could get 8 million votes too 🙂 Plus, I just like the thought of winning something other than the booger off my 2 year olds finger. Seriously…she presents it to me like an award. “Here mommy! Look what I have for you!” She hands it to me like it’s one of her prized possessions.

These mom blogs are about how funny it is raising kids. How, ultimately, you do get a little crazy and find yourself doing things that you never thought you’d do. Like responding “Thank you” when someone hands you a booger.

I find it interesting that there are not many funny blogs about raising a special needs child. Oh, they’re out there I’m sure and if you know of one please list it in the comments below or on facebook because I would love to read it.

I wonder if it is because no one wants to associate humor with special needs.

There is nothing funny about a child or an adult that has a disability.

And it’s really not funny in the beginning when you can’t even seem to drag yourself out of bed in the morning because the very thought of the weight now on your shoulders seems like it will crush you.

I don’t think I really truly laughed until about a year ago. I was so caught up in all that I couldn’t do and all that she wouldn’t do that I forgot to laugh and ultimately I forgot to live.

Now I see that those thoughts and sorrow were slowly killing me and if I kept on the path that I was on I was going to die a slow and agonizing death.

Now I see that I just took it all for granted and was so deeply entrenched in self pity that I couldn’t appreciate the wonderful life that I had been given.

Now I see that it is possible to move past all of those things and learn to live again and subsequently learn to laugh again.

I’ve missed that.

I’ve missed being able to laugh at myself.

It really can be funny.

Having children in and of itself is a funny journey, but having a child with special needs has it’s own unique humor. One of my friends on facebook, Jill, posts about the funny things her 6 year old daughter says.

Ella has anophthalmia and makes jokes about her blindness and prosthetic eyes. Her mom posts stories about the humor in their life. Like her whole family panicking in a power outage at night, but little Ella remaining calm and leading her younger brother to the bathroom in the darkness grumbling under her breath that she “doesn’t see what the big deal is?” I love stories like that!! (Jill, I hope you don’t mind me using you and Ella as an example.)

Yes, it can be sad sometimes, but it can also be hilarious and crazy in a good way.

Sometimes it’s okay to laugh and it’s okay to talk about the funny parts. I’m glad I realize that now and I’m glad that I remembered what it’s like to be funny.

Really all that I want to accomplish with this blog is to help the me’s from 5 years ago out there in the world stumbling along in pain trying to figure this whole mess out. If I can reach just one person who knows what I’m talking about and make them feel just a little bit less alone, then I have done the job that I set out to do.

Oh…and somehow writing about my craziness in all it’s glory amuses me.

If you want to share my blog and you feel that it may reach someone and help them, please share it. Or if you just like it and want to share it, please do.

It’s not about the amount of followers I get, or how many likes I get on Facebook or winning any awards (although all of those things are very nice and I do really appreciate them) (Vote for me!:)

It’s just about telling my story, healing through telling it, and maybe helping somebody else.

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Will she forgive me?

30 Jan

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”

― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

I wasted so much time at the beginning of Oliana’s life wishing and praying that things would change.

I wished that we could find the right doctor for her. I wished that she had been born without a disability. I wished it was easier.

I prayed that God would let her have some vision and that nothing else was wrong with her. I prayed that she would not be significantly delayed.

I prayed that I could just accept her as she was.

One by one, as these wishes failed to come true and my prayers were left unanswered, I became angry.
I was angry at my friends and family for not understanding what I was going through. I was angry at the doctors for continuing to give me bad news. I was angry at God for thinking that I could handle this.

I was so angry at God.

What did I do to deserve this?

I felt like I was being punished.

Much later I realized that I was feeling sorry for myself. I was being selfish and turning Oliana’s disability around and making it about me.

The angrier I became, the more I began to detach myself. I started pushing everyone who cared about me away.

I would often think, why can’t they just understand how hard this is?

As we continued to receive disheartening news about Oliana’s condition, I spiraled deeper and deeper into a vortex of anger and despair.

The things I felt during those dark days are very hard for me to admit to now. I wanted to be okay with who she was back then. But the truth is, I just wasn’t.

I know that I am going to have a very hard time as my children grow older and want to read this. I never want them to look at me and think that I didn’t love Oli because I wanted to change her. These two things seem like they can’t co-exist but, in my life they did. I did want to change her. I also loved her. It just wasn’t easy.

As I continue to write this, the hardest questions of all are:

How will I read this to Oli?

Will she understand?

Will she forgive me?

10 Things my mother forgot to tell me about being a mom

30 Jan

1. I will never eat a hot meal again.

2. Strike that. I will never eat a meal again. I will be forced to eat random snacks I find at the bottom of my purse or in the car because I will continually be too busy and forget to eat.

3. I will be expected to be available at all times during my child’s shower to adjust the temperature with the faucet because it is always too hot or too cold and can change multiple times during a 10 minute shower. (Seriously when do they learn to adjust the temperature themselves?)

4. The main sentences in my house will be the following:

• Stop picking your nose.
• Don’t stick your toy in that.
• You need to poop INSIDE the potty.
• No you can’t build a rocket ship out of crap in the random crap drawer.
• Stop picking your nose. (I say that one a lot)
• Eat your dinner.
• Sit down and eat your dinner.
• Stop crying and eat your dinner.
• No I did not make that to torture you.

6. If I get rid of the one toy that they haven’t play with in 2 years that is the one toy they will ask me about the day after I get rid of it. And then I will have to go to the store and spend $50 replacing it because I crumble like gluten-free bread under my children’s guilt trips.

7. Bedtime is actually hours after I put them in bed.

8. “Go to bed and stay there” means absolutely nothing in my children’s language. I may as well be speaking Chinese after they hear the words “It’s bedtime”

9. There are such days as Pee on the floor day. Where everyone in my house somehow manages to pee on the floor. Including the cat.

10. I will never pee or shower alone again. Someone will always barge in, bring their drama, expect me to referee from the shower stall, find a toy behind the toilet, need juice, a snack, fall down, cry, have to pee, or have a poop emergency while I am using the bathroom. Including the cat.

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