Pretending

28 Jan

“Dear today,

I spend all of you pretending I’m okay when I’m not, pretending I’m happy when I’m not, pretending about everything to everyone.” -Nina LaCour

After a few days of the earth quaking beneath my feet I think I began to absorb the shock waves that hit. I became numb. I went into what I now call, my “I’m fine mode”.

A few people were really good about calling me to see how I was doing. I would always respond with the same response. No matter how I was actually feeling.

I’m fine.

Fine really stands for:

F#$@&* Up

Insecure

Neurotic

&

Emotional

That’s exactly how I was feeling.

But I could never lower my defenses long enough for anyone to get a real glimpse inside.

I didn’t want anyone to think I was weak.

I really got into the “I am indestructible” role I played for everyone.

In reality I felt like I was falling apart.

If I would have let someone inside my head at the time this is probably the conversation they would have heard.

How are you doing Shannon?

Well, let me see. I just had a baby that has some pretty significant disabilities and my son is still only a baby himself. I am completely terrified not to mention that this really just screwed up my whole plan for my future. I just want to run away from it all but, you see I have this image I portray to the world and running away isn’t really in sync with the “pretend” me that everyone is counting on. Everyone is counting on me to be this person that knows all the answers so I just need to go along and fake my way through it. Even though I really just want to curl up and die.

Nope. I definitely could not let that craziness out of the bag.

So I just went on pretending.

Everyday I was the feature actor in my own life.

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2 Responses to “Pretending”

  1. Life's Unexpected Blessings February 4, 2013 at 7:47 pm #

    I’ve been there and somedays still go there, it’s a familiar feeling.

    • mommyhasissues February 4, 2013 at 8:09 pm #

      I know. Some days I find myself drifting back there and wondering what it would be like if things had been different. I try not to do that now but some days are just better than others.

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