Isolation

27 Jan

“If isolation tempers the strong, it is the stumbling-block of the uncertain.” -Paul Cezanne

When Oliana was born we lived in a town called Pahrump, an hour outside of Las Vegas. We had moved there from Vegas only 5 months before her birth. I took my baby home to a house 1500 miles away from my mom, who lived in Iowa.

I had never really felt lonely before but, that day I began to realize how alone and completely isolated I was.

I just wanted my mom.

I have always been a very independent person but, right then, I just wanted her near me. I wanted her to hug me and tell me again that I was going to get through this. And that it really wasn’t as difficult as I imagined. Even though she had never raised a child with a disability, I wanted her advice on how to walk this difficult road that now lay before me. I had no idea even where to begin.

Going back to that house in Pahrump felt like being abandoned on a sinking ship.

There was no one around that I could use as a life raft when I began to feel like I was drowning.

There were no doctors or therapists for her in Pahrump. Oli’s nearest physician would be an hour away and I still didn’t know exactly what kind of medical complications she might suffer from.

I began to realize what a terrible mistake it had been to move to there.

I didn’t know back then, what living out there in isolation was going to do to me.

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