Archive | 11:32 pm

Laughter

23 Jan

“The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.” -E.E. Cummings

So I couldn’t help but write a little note about my husband’s reaction to my last few posts. And then our subsequent laughter. Proving once again, you really can laugh at terribly sad things.

Seth was out when I wrote and published the last post. I couldn’t wait for him to get home so he could read it. This one even made me tear up. I’m not a big crier so I was shocked when I re-read the post and felt tears pooling in my eyes.

(How silly considering I wrote the thing!)

I was curious to see his reaction. He is a crier so I knew he probably would. (Sorry honey but, you know you are.) But I was surprised at our reaction afterwards. This is how it goes…

Seth reads the post. I am sitting there staring at his face as he reads it. I am trying not to be obvious about it so I am pretending to clean up the kitchen.

(Shhh. I’m sneaky like that.)

He finishes. Looks up at me with tears rolling down his face and says, “That’s horrible!”

For a second I’m offended. What? Then I realize he’s talking about that time in our life, not my writing.

I look at him with tears in my own eyes as that memory breaks the surface again and tries to taunt me. Reminding me of how incredibly sad and helpless I felt then.

It only stays for a moment though and then retreats back into the cave where I have sentenced it to live in the back of my mind. Those memories of complete sadness are not allowed out very often.

Then I look back up at Seth and our eyes meet. We both burst into uncontrollable laughter.

ME- “That sucked!”

SETH- “It did suck didn’t it!”

And then we laugh some more. Because that’s what we can do now. I never want to go back to that place of grief but, sometimes it’s a good reminder of how sweet the laughter can be.

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He began to cry.

23 Jan

When I think of that moment I don’t even know what to say.

It still makes my heart race and my eyes tear up when I remember him looking down at me lying in that bed with our baby girl next to me. I’m sure I looked like a complete mess. I had been crying and panicking. Wondering when I was going to wake up from this nightmare.

He walked over to the bed with a panicked look of his own.

He knew.

He knew something was wrong with our baby. I could see it written all over his face. I was suddenly glad that I looked a wreck. At least the first words out of my mouth didn’t have to be…
“Sit down. I have some terrible news about the baby.”

Nope. I just looked at his face and blurted it out. “She’s blind Seth. They say she doesn’t have any eyes. Or if she does have eyes they’re really small and they probably don’t work. She’s blind. Our baby is blind.”

He put Kekoa down on the ground and did what any father would do.

He began to cry.

Mother’s Day Weekend

23 Jan

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” -Anais Nin

After the doctor left my hospital room that day I felt pain like I have never felt pain before. I started questioning things that I have never questioned before and I began to ask the obvious question, “What the hell just happened to me?”

In a mere 10 minutes my entire life had changed.

The worst thing was, I had to be the one to tell my husband. He didn’t even know yet. I had to tell this poor guy, who wanted nothing more than to give his children anything and everything in this life, that there were going to be things he wouldn’t be able to give his daughter.

I was going to have to break his heart like it had never been broken before. Damn that doctor for leaving me with this responsibility!!

As it was, though, I couldn’t really think of anyone else who should tell him. I surely didn’t want that doctor to come back in here with his emotionless tone and his slightly bored attitude. I didn’t want that guy telling him that all his wonderful dreams of showing his daughter the beauties of Desert Mountains and Hawaiian sunsets were never going to happen.

I had to be strong for him.

I had to pretend that I knew we were going to get through this. And I was going to have to do it soon because he had just walked through the hospital room door. He walked in holding my beautiful baby boy and an armful of balloons and flowers.

Because…it was Mother’s Day weekend.

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