Her eyes were closed

21 Jan

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” – John Lennon

 

 

Oliana entered this world on May 10, 2007 with her eyes closed.  I never got to look into my baby girls eyes and form that instant bond with a ‘Hey! I know you! You’re the one I’ve been loving since the day I peed on that stick!’ 

Her eyes were closed because they were fused shut. They had not developed.  Severe bilateral microphthalmia.  That’s what it says on all of her paperwork.  It probably should have been etched on her forehead for all the times we referred to her as having “it”.  This had become who she was to me and to people around her.  My baby with severe bilateral microphthalmia.  Somehow these 3 words would become as familiar rolling off my tongue as her first name.  Which is very very wrong.  But that’s what it was.  She had become not my new baby girl.  But my baby girl born blind.  Born with severe bilateral microphthalmia.  She had no eyes.  These words were repeated over and over in my head during the next few months.

 

The moment the doctor said blindness, the little blond haired, brown eyed girl I had been dreaming about for 9 months died.  She died and I didn’t know that I was allowed to grieve for her.  I thought I had to become this perfect mother of a special needs child.  I could not allow the outside world to know that I was hurting so terribly inside.  In place of the little girl I had lost was this tiny baby with blond peach fuzz on her head and no eyes.  A baby I didn’t think I was capable of taking care of, nor did I know if I wanted.  I knew I could never abandon her.- (gasp) What would the neighbors think?-  But I didn’t know if I would be able to love her like I loved my son.  Because she was different.  If she didn’t have eyes what else was wrong with her?  Was her little brain a mess too?  What if she never walked or talked or could eat on her own? What if she never went to college or got married.  Even more horrifying, what if I had to take care of her for the rest of my life?  No. They got it wrong.  It has to be wrong!  I never signed up for this.  I ordered the little cute blond girl with pigtails in her hair and brown eyes to match mine.  I remember the day I got married.  I signed a bunch of documents including a marriage certificate, a give-up-your-last-name-and-assume-your-husbands-identity- page, and I definitely signed the one where you check the box under, you will have a happy life with rainbows and butterflies raising 2.5 HEALTHY children.  Not a disability.  I DEFINITELY did NOT check that box!! They delivered the wrong baby girl.

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One Response to “Her eyes were closed”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. They didn’t have a special needs mother hat in my size « I'm fine, but my Mommy has issues! - January 26, 2013

    […] Lying in that hospital bed, after she was born, was absolutely the lowest part of my life. Mostly because I am a -worst-case-scenario- kind of girl. I can take a perfectly sunny day at the park and turn it into, an escaped convict jumps out of the bushes and kidnaps me where I spend the next 5 years locked in his basement forced to eat pickles and honey, in my mind. That’s just how my mind works. I just wasn’t ready to accept this life that had just punched me in the face. She didn’t fit into my perfect little box of what I wanted my future to look like. […]

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